How Others Describe Me

Those that don’t know me well might describe me as quiet and reserved, even kind. Those that do know me well would call me kind-hearted, driven, responsible, a little opinionated, and say I have a passion for helping others. My mom always said I brought home “strays” from school because I would make friends with those who seemed lost and had a bad home life. I’ve also been called creative because I knit, am decent at cooking, occasionally play the piano, and used to write. I don’t design most of what I knit, I follow a lot of recipes, and I have never played an original melody, so I don’t think of these things as creative. I would, however, agree that my writing is creative (when I do it). My coworkers would also describe me as creative, driven, passionate, kind, and capable. When it comes to my job, teaching, I am definitely all of those things. My students would probably not describe me as organized, which I am, but they would describe me as smart, kind, and helpful.

It’s interesting how your own description changes based on the setting, and yet at the core you’re still the same. It’s just that some pieces of you shine better in certain areas. My creativity shines best at work when I choose how to set up my classroom, structure my lectures, incorporate community building, create lessons, and ultimately run my class. My drive and passion also shine best at work. My responsibility shines at home (on good days) and in my financial situation, which not everyone gets to see. My kindness comes out in everything, which is why I think even someone who barely knows me at all would have that as part of their description.

So tell me, how do you think other people would describe you if asked?

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Breaking Down

Last night I had a dream that I ran away. I ran away from the responsibilities of work, of home, of everything that I am tasked to do with as an adult. I swear I was coming back. I just needed to leave. I didn’t tell anyone, even my partner, that I had gone. I was in another country with a friend that I had recently met. I’m not even sure who he was to be honest, but I knew him in my dream. After almost a full day had past, I felt guilty about not telling my partner, and I tried to message him to let him know I was alright. But of course I was in another country and didn’t have wifi or cell service. I did go back. I had to use torpedos to fight off giant sharks (thanks Spyro) to get back, but I was coming home.

Last night my partner dreamed that I ran away. But in his dream, I had left a note, and I wasn’t coming back. So I guess the two of us are having similar concerns about me. Lately, I feel fragile, and I don’t know why. I’ve been pushing off whatever minor responsibilities I can because I didn’t feel like dealing with it at the time. Then I would forget and when I remember about them, I would panic and stress out and try to push it out of my mind again. But that thing I have to do is STILL THERE and I have to buckle down and get it done.

My partner thinks I’m being too hard on myself and I just need to give myself a break. And take a break. That’s what this weekend is going to be about. At least today. And yesterday. We’ll see about tomorrow.

It’s just that I haven’t felt this way in a long time and I’m frustrated about it. I’m a badass. I’ve tackled my issues that were causing my chronic depression and anxiety and I painfully worked through them until they were no longer an issue. And yet here I am. And I don’t know why.

Yesterday I got scammed out of $30 for some e-tickets. I didn’t have a good feeling about it and I should have at least looked at the person’s facebook profile so I could have seen that it wasn’t very old and clearly fake. But I didn’t. I cried a lot. Mainly because of all things that have been going on lately and this was the last straw. This wouldn’t have happened if I had just bought the fucking tickets when I was supposed to instead of putting it off like everything else.

The day before that I took a shower where I washed my hair and shaved then got out and started to dry off. As I pulled the curtains closed, I saw my wash rag on top and realized it was dry. I hadn’t bathed. How stressed out do you have to been to space out on bathing?? Also, while I was in the shower, my partner came in and asked about us renting a cabin the next day. I thought I was supposed to hang out with someone while he babysat, but he saw the availability and was talking to the lady on the phone right then. Also, we were supposed to go to a renaissance festival the day after. I had a minor panic attack/melt down. I don’t think I cried, but I got down in the fetal position for a bit before getting out of the shower.

The day before that I went to fill out our water filter and then put a cup of water in the microwave to make hot water for tea. I spaced out staring at the floor the whole time. When the microwave went off it brought me back and I got onto myself for letting it go off (my partner was in bed). I took the cup back around to where the tea is and water covered the counter. I had left the water running filling up the water filter. Wtf. I’ve never done that. It took 2 bath towels and 4 hand towels to dry it all up.

So basically, I feel like I’m falling apart. I don’t know what to do. Take some me-time I guess. Do some knitting, read a book, and write. And don’t run away from my partner who is amazing and silly and can always make me smile – even when I don’t feel like it.

Have you ever run into a set back like this? What did you do to overcome it? I would love to read your comments, advice, related stories, or random remarks.

Why I Am Successful

I haven’t thought about it much. I’ve just been doing and doing and doing. Now I’m starting to slow down and reflect – especially since it’s the holidays. This is part ‘why I am successful’ and part ‘my authentic self’. Both go hand in hand. To be one, I have to be the other.

Change is hard. It’s uncomfortable. And it’s utterly necessary to be successful. I used to be anxious. I used to be depressed. I used to have a lack of fulfillment in my life that I would often fill with alcohol and fake friends – people I didn’t even really like, but called them friends anyway just to have something. I changed all of that. I went from accepting the fact that depression was always going to be a part of my life to waving goodbye to it through a rearview mirror. I went from feeling anxious all the time – especially around other people – to just having stress here and there about major things. I went from fake friends and relationships to authentic ones. I went from unfulfillment to complete fulfillment.

Each change I made was uncomfortable. Each one was hard, and some were downright painful. But they were worth it. I went from a miserable career to one that brings me joy. I went from one terrible partner after another to the best partner anyone could ask for. I went from unhealthy relationships to healthy ones. I went from putting on a major facade all the time to being my authentic self.

I remember my therapist telling me that I was one of her favorite clients because after each session I would go and act on the things we talked about and I would come back with new barriers to tackle. I learned, I grew, I worked on myself, and I made painful realizations and worked hard to correct them. I read books, I had deep conversations with friends and coworkers, I did a lot of self-reflection, and I met with my therapist regularly.

Realizing I was co-dependent was painful. Facing the fact that my parents fucked up was even more so. I got angry, I laid blame, but ultimately I decided it was my responsibility to fix it because I’m the one that it affects. By the way, co-dependency is not what you think it is, and most people are a little bit co-dependent. As funny as it sounds, I highly recommend the book “Co-dependency for Dummies.” It really helped me learn what it is, what kind I was, and how to SET BOUNDARIES (something I never learned from my parents – but I’m not salty about it, I swear). Making decisions based on what I wanted and not what I thought others wanted was also part of it. Along with not taking on other people’s problems as my own. All of this was a major step towards me becoming more authentic. I stopped acting in a way that I thought would please those around me and just did what I wanted. I stopped feeling stressed and responsible when someone talked to me about their problems. I stopped saying things I thought others wanted to hear and said what was in my heart. I was becoming more and more my authentic self. I lost fake friends and gained real ones. And I met the love of my life.

Changing careers was scary. Telling my parents I was switching from engineering to teaching was uncomfortable. Telling my boss was even worse. I almost threw up I was so nervous. Changing jobs was part of becoming my authentic self. I didn’t like standing at a desk, reading specs, calling clients and vendors, and checking CAD drawings. I wanted to make a positive difference in other people’s lives. I wanted to build a better community. I wasn’t doing either as an engineer. I have very high patience when it comes to helping others. I have very high patience when someone is learning something new. And I can explain things in different ways. I am caring and passionate and it just made sense for me to use my skills to be a teacher. So, I made the switch, and I have never looked back.

Moving is also uncomfortable and difficult, but new places always come with new opportunities. When I moved to Texas to be closer to my love, I got way better training and preparation for becoming a teacher than I could have dreamed of getting in Florida. It was like the pieces just fell into place.

My next thing to try is also scary and likely to be uncomfortable, if not downright painful the first few times I try it, but I am going to push through and do it anyway because I want to continue to be happy and successful. I am going to try a PBL (project based learning) in my chemistry class after the break. It is going to be very different than any other way I have taught before and has a lot of components. I took a training over the summer and have resources that I’m currently culling through, but ultimately I will not be successful at it if I don’t give it a try and actually DO it. I’ve put it off for an entire semester and that’s long enough. I’ve got to keep pushing myself into new, uncomfortable things because that is how I grow and learn and succeed.

What do you do to be successful? What is the most uncomfortable, yet ultimately rewarding situation you have pushed yourself through? Did you grow? What will you do next?

Please share your thoughts, stories, musings, or reflections. I love to read them.

Fixed vs Growth Mindsets

Many people go through life thinking they’re smart or they’re dumb. That they can do a thing or they can’t. That they get it or they don’t. That they’re strong or they’re not. This is a fixed mindset and they don’t see the opportunity to try and improve. They see that either someone has a talent for something or they can’t do it at all. From their perspective, when someone works hard at something, it’s because they’re not good at it. If someone is studying hard it’s because they’re not smart.

I don’t know about you, but I wasn’t born knowing how to walk and talk and solve math problems. I worked hard to develop the muscles and motor skills to be able to walk. It’s easy now, but it did not start out that way. I struggled to learn vocabulary and how to say “mom” and “dad”. Taking is mostly easy now, but again it did not start out that way. In order to be able to solve math problems (that I find easy now), I had to study and practice a lot. Just like a master at the piano started off struggling to read music and play at the right tempo. But with a fixed mindset, we don’t think, “oh wow that person worked really hard to be able to play that well. I bet I could be that good one day too if I put in the work.” Instead, we think, “oh wow that person is really talented at the piano. I wish I could play like that.”

Having a growth mindset means understanding that you can always improve at something and you can gain any skill or knowledge you want if you put in the effort. Just because you burned your dinner the first time you tried cooking doesn’t mean you can’t cook. It just means you need to figure out a better temperature for cooking that meal. Just because lose at chess the first time you play doesn’t mean you can’t practice and learn and become a chess master. Having a growth mindset means understanding that you can’t do something yet, but with effort, you can do or learn anything.

How can you change your thoughts and words so they reflect a growth mindset and not a fixed one? By adding “yet” when you hear yourself say, “I can’t do that,” or “I don’t know that.” By looking at the famous painter and saying, “s/he must have put in a lot of effort to become that good.” By telling yourself over and over to just try and you will get it. Remember, walking was once hard for you too.

Which mindset are you?

What Holds Us Back

What’s holding me back? Myself, mostly. Holding me back from what? I’m not 100% sure. My why is to give people what they need to be happy. I can mostly do that via information such as career path options, steps to overcome depression, pointing out where to get things they need, etc. I love helping others. Even my hobbies are proof of that. I knit and crochet, but very rarely do I make anything for myself. It’s always a gift for someone or something that’s part of a charity. While this blog is more of a personal record of my journey, I have overcome some great barriers to my own happiness and hope to share how to do so with others so they can overcome their own barriers. A lot of what I like to read are teacher or self-improvement books or books that make me see the world differently because a better me means I can help others be a better them. If that makes sense. I enjoy playing the piano, but rarely do it. I also have the idea that I want to be in shape for myself, but can’t push myself to work out. “I just don’t have the time.” I say that a lot. I also say, “I don’t have the mental capacity right now,” or “I don’t have the energy right now.” These phrases have held me back from pushing my work on my blog, reading books that I want to read, working out, and practicing the piano.

No more. Those phrases are stories that I have made up. They are not reality. In reality, I can do all the things. Yes, I want to be careful I don’t over-exert myself. And yes, I want to make sure I make time for relaxing as well. But I can relax and read a book or relax and knit something. I can also write when I’m “not in the right mental state” because writing will put me in the right mental state. I know that. Even if I just spit out what comes into my brain, doing so will put me in a writing mentality and then I can go back and edit and complete the writing.

I just have to start. I guess that’s supposed to be the hardest part of any task: starting. The analytical part of me wants to make schedules and lists in order to work in all the things I want and need to do. The problem is, schedules and lists don’t work for me. At least not for more than a day or two. Routines do. If I get in the routine of reading during my lunch break, then I’ll get the reading done that I want. If I get in the routine of working out right after work, then I’ll get into shape. And if I get into the routine of splitting my time after dinner between writing, knitting, and playing the piano, I’ll get to enjoy the benefits of participating in the hobbies I want to keep up. Since my partner cooks dinner, I can work on chores while he cooks and get the cleaning done that needs to get done. I can do this. I will do this. And I will be a badass because of it.

What’s holding you back?

My Why

Ever since I was a kid, I loved making people happy. Mostly by giving them stuff or just talking to them. I talked to everyone when I was a kid. I also spent most of my allowance on things for other people, rather than myself. When on vacation, I used my money to buy souvenirs for others. Whenever I did anything crafty, it was usually to give away to a friend or family member. So what is my why? To make others happy? Pretty much. But it’s more than that. I don’t want to just hand someone a present and see them smile for a few seconds. I want to show someone the path they can take to overcome their demons and get to true, lasting happiness. I’ll even hold their hand while they do it, so they know they have someone supporting and rooting for them. I want to empower people to make that hard change that might be painful at first, but leads to life-long joy. I want to inspire people to take the leap and show them or equip them with everything they need to do it. And yes, if giving a homemade blanket to someone who is cold makes their life a little easier, even if it doesn’t help them achieve lasting happiness, I want to do that too. I want everyone to know that there are people like me who care. I want them to know that they’re not alone. That is my why. What is yours?

Everyone Has A Cause

Everyone has a cause they care about and pursue. Everyone has a reason for at least some of their actions, purchases, and social media posts. If you don’t, I imagine you have a hard time getting out of bed. But even then, I know there’s something you care about, even if you’re not actively promoting it.

I care about helping others. If a clothing store tells me that their reason for being is to help others, and they do that in the way they obtain materials and provide training, jobs, and education to their local community members, I will buy their clothes even if they are typically out of my price range. Or pink. Or not exactly my style. I’ll buy them for someone else if it means I get to help a cause I believe in.

Likewise, if you care about animals, and a shoe store says that their company was started so the profits could be used to help local animal shelters, you’ll want to buy those shoes. We like to promote our causes by supporting companies that also believe in our causes.

It’s even better when you can get into a career that furthers your cause. My cause is helping others. I tried to do that with engineering. I wanted to innovate and use new designs and technology to make products that would really benefit the community. But that didn’t seem like it was going to happen. When I switched to teaching, it was like sliding a puzzle piece into place. I got to help others in a way that I did not imagine I wanted to. There were lots of reasons I didn’t want to be a teacher and only one reason that I did. My one reason for wanting to be a teacher was to further my cause.

What’s your cause? How do you pursue it?

Our Need for a Purpose

A friend of mine recently made the comment that she was wanting to “find a purpose”. I think that’s something we all share. We all want to find our purpose in life. We all want to find a way to make a difference, to better ourselves, and to better the world. Sometimes we feel this desire so strongly that it feels like a need, like we might die without it. But where did this need come from? I guarantee you that my cat has no such need or desire. He could care less about finding his purpose or bettering himself in some way. He just wants food, water, belly rubs, head scratches, and to finally catch that elusive red dot. He is purrfectly content playing, napping, eating, and grooming all day long. So why aren’t we?

While it certainly seems like we are content working just enough to pay the bills and watching Netflix all day, deep down inside most of us aren’t. We may enjoy it at the time, but there’s that nagging voice deep within us telling us we should be doing more. We should be reading, writing, creating, exercising, and planning in order to improve ourselves. We look for our purpose in the things we make, the ways we improve, the volunteer work we do, and the career path we choose. We want to find a way in which we can contribute that will give us that sense of fulfillment and accomplishment.

Where does this come from? What part of our brain developed this inner voice pushing us to do better instead of being satisfied with just enough? Where along the evolutionary trail did we develop this need? And why do we have it? What purpose does this almost primal feeling serve that drives us to work harder and nags us when we relax?

Perhaps it’s sociological. Improving oneself and the community is rewarded with praise, admiration, and increased social status. Whether it’s having a fit body, working with a charity, or being knowledgeable in trivia, we are impressed by skills, knowledge, and selfless acts shown by others.

Or perhaps it’s instinctual. When the community is improved, it improves our own lives as well. Being fit or talented can help when threatened. And when people are in awe of someone, it’s easier for that person to manipulate his/her fans for self-gain.

Whatever the reason, we all have this drive to find that sense of purpose. That one thing that will give us a sense of fulfillment and help leave our mark on this world. Have you found yours?

What do you think causes this need for purpose? Why do we need this type of fulfillment? What purpose have you found for yourself? How did you discover it? Or are you still searching?

Me? I want to be a teacher, a writer, a mentor, and a mother.