Breaking Down

Last night I had a dream that I ran away. I ran away from the responsibilities of work, of home, of everything that I am tasked to do with as an adult. I swear I was coming back. I just needed to leave. I didn’t tell anyone, even my partner, that I had gone. I was in another country with a friend that I had recently met. I’m not even sure who he was to be honest, but I knew him in my dream. After almost a full day had past, I felt guilty about not telling my partner, and I tried to message him to let him know I was alright. But of course I was in another country and didn’t have wifi or cell service. I did go back. I had to use torpedos to fight off giant sharks (thanks Spyro) to get back, but I was coming home.

Last night my partner dreamed that I ran away. But in his dream, I had left a note, and I wasn’t coming back. So I guess the two of us are having similar concerns about me. Lately, I feel fragile, and I don’t know why. I’ve been pushing off whatever minor responsibilities I can because I didn’t feel like dealing with it at the time. Then I would forget and when I remember about them, I would panic and stress out and try to push it out of my mind again. But that thing I have to do is STILL THERE and I have to buckle down and get it done.

My partner thinks I’m being too hard on myself and I just need to give myself a break. And take a break. That’s what this weekend is going to be about. At least today. And yesterday. We’ll see about tomorrow.

It’s just that I haven’t felt this way in a long time and I’m frustrated about it. I’m a badass. I’ve tackled my issues that were causing my chronic depression and anxiety and I painfully worked through them until they were no longer an issue. And yet here I am. And I don’t know why.

Yesterday I got scammed out of $30 for some e-tickets. I didn’t have a good feeling about it and I should have at least looked at the person’s facebook profile so I could have seen that it wasn’t very old and clearly fake. But I didn’t. I cried a lot. Mainly because of all things that have been going on lately and this was the last straw. This wouldn’t have happened if I had just bought the fucking tickets when I was supposed to instead of putting it off like everything else.

The day before that I took a shower where I washed my hair and shaved then got out and started to dry off. As I pulled the curtains closed, I saw my wash rag on top and realized it was dry. I hadn’t bathed. How stressed out do you have to been to space out on bathing?? Also, while I was in the shower, my partner came in and asked about us renting a cabin the next day. I thought I was supposed to hang out with someone while he babysat, but he saw the availability and was talking to the lady on the phone right then. Also, we were supposed to go to a renaissance festival the day after. I had a minor panic attack/melt down. I don’t think I cried, but I got down in the fetal position for a bit before getting out of the shower.

The day before that I went to fill out our water filter and then put a cup of water in the microwave to make hot water for tea. I spaced out staring at the floor the whole time. When the microwave went off it brought me back and I got onto myself for letting it go off (my partner was in bed). I took the cup back around to where the tea is and water covered the counter. I had left the water running filling up the water filter. Wtf. I’ve never done that. It took 2 bath towels and 4 hand towels to dry it all up.

So basically, I feel like I’m falling apart. I don’t know what to do. Take some me-time I guess. Do some knitting, read a book, and write. And don’t run away from my partner who is amazing and silly and can always make me smile – even when I don’t feel like it.

Have you ever run into a set back like this? What did you do to overcome it? I would love to read your comments, advice, related stories, or random remarks.

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Family is the Best or the Worst

I really don’t think there’s an in-between. A family that isn’t involved is a bad family just as much as ones that are involved in all the wrong ways. Family is a group of people that you are given at birth to be by your side. Neglect can be just as damaging (although in a different way) as abuse and nasty words. Family can be nosey and judgy or loving and supportive. They can be there for you through thick and thin or only give you a call when they need to take advantage of someone.

I am fortunate to have a good family. I have the kind that will not reject me when I do thing that they don’t agree with. Instead of judgement and shunning, I get support or at least an acknowledgement that they are still there. My family has reunions two or three times a year, annoy each other with a big group chat, and like each other’s posts on facebook, twitter, and instagram.

I must attribute some of my success to having such a ready support group. I love that they will support me even when not agreeing or even understanding what I’m doing or why I’m doing it. They trust that it’s what I think is right, they give tons of unasked for advice, and they check in to see how things are working out.

I’m very happy to be at the Christmas reunion right now. We are missing a few family members due to work and surgery, but everyone else made it out and we are having a wonderful time (although I am glad that everyone has finally gone to bed).

What kind of family do you have?

I love to read your musings, stories, opinions, and reflections, so please comment away.

The Change

What I wouldn’t give to be with you before
you changed. To enjoy the holidays together before
you changed. To make love with the passion we had before
you changed. To go outside and play like before
you changed. To sit at a bar and read together like before
you changed. Oh the love I felt for you before
you changed. So much so I couldn’t contain it all before
you changed. How was the sun so warm and the colors so bright before
you changed? How now the clouds are darker unlike before
you changed? The holidays are cold and lonely unlike before
you changed. Doubt and darkness has replaced the love that existed before
you changed. And though we hate it, we go our separate ways because, after all,
I’ve changed.

The Relationship I Never Thought I’d Have

I’m the type of person that never thought I would settle down with someone (and was perfectly happy about that). Still not sure I will. I’m too introverted and independent. And I’m happy alone, so long as I have friends and someone to fool around with. What more could I want?

Well, I found someone that I might be able to spend the rest of my life with. Maybe. Usually, I get tired of someone when spending too much time with them. For me, too much time can mean 2 or 3 days straight or even just a few hours every day. I need me time, and lots of it. Preferably 2-4 hours a day (at least). I get really irritated if I’m around the same person too much. A whole day can wear me out, even if we’re having fun the whole time.

Not this guy. We spent weekend after weekend together and a few evenings a week – enough time for me to get irritated and tired of hanging out with someone so much. But I didn’t. Even when he moved in like a month after we started dating (the situation called for it – it was either that or he was going to be sleeping in his truck, and I couldn’t allow that) I didn’t get tired of him. It was only supposed to be temporary, while he found a new place. But I liked having him around, so we made it permanent.

It’s been wonderful. Yes, sometimes I get irritated when I don’t get enough time alone at the apartment, and yes, there are bad times, but overall it’s been worth it. He shares in the household chores, including cooking and washing dishes, which has been a huge help. It means I get more free time to work on puzzles, knit, or read or write. In fact, I haven’t done laundry since he’s moved in. If you read my last post about eating healthy, you’ll know that, while I do all the meal planning, we split up food preparation/cooking and dish washing pretty evenly.

He helps lift my mood too. He can always make me smile or laugh, even when I’m trying to be upset at him. We’re constantly being silly/goofy together. Our idea of a good date is going to the bar during happy hour, getting a couple of frozen margaritas, and sitting outside sipping on the margaritas and reading our books. Jealous? Oh yeah. We also like to go hiking in the woods (okay it’s not so much a “hike” as a “leisurely walk”). Sometimes we’ll go to big events together like an arts festival or a geek convention. Luckily, he doesn’t have social anxiety like I do, and holding onto him helps calm me down in those crowded events (so does having a drink first, which I can do since he likes to be the driver – another nice perk).

In fact, my honest, biggest complaint is that we’re not good workout partners, which would have been so convenient if we were! I like to be upbeat and energetic during workouts and he just like to be quiet and concentrate. I get on his nerves by being so upbeat and he gets on my nerves by not talking or encouraging me (which to me is the whole point of having a workout partner). So, we stopped working out together, which means we basically stopped working out, though I’m trying to get back into it. He also doesn’t do very well at taking care of me when I’m depressed, but I don’t think that’s something someone can just jump in a do (especially if they don’t get depressed often enough to know how to be helpful), so that’s really on me for not talking to him about it more (but I will).

I still find myself often wondering if I really do want to be with him or be alone. Sometimes it feels like i’m on a see-saw. When we have a bad moment, I wonder if I’d be better off alone, and when we have good moments, I wonder what I’d do without him. I know, I’m a mess haha. And lately he’s been home a lot more, so I haven’t been getting enough time alone, which isn’t helping things.

Anyway, I didn’t write this to show off. I thought I was writing it to make some point about dating as an introvert, but that didn’t happen. I’m not sure why I wrote this, it’s just what I felt like writing about. I’m happy, and wanted to share. I found a person who I can stand to be around for long and frequent periods of time, which I didn’t think would ever happen. And although I wish he were a more compatible workout partner, and took better care of me when I go into a depression, and a few other minor things, we get along well, we help each other eat healthy and be careful with money, and we brighten each other’s day, so it’s worth fighting/being patient through those short bad times.

Do you see yourself settling down with someone one day? What are some traits in a relationship that are important to you? What do you look for in a partner? I’d love to hear [read] any thoughts, observations, ideas, personal stories, etc, that you’d like to share. 🙂