What Living with Chronic Depression is Like (at least for me)

Living with depression means never knowing exactly when it’s going to strike.

It doesn’t mean being sad all the time. It doesn’t mean when you’re happy you’re “cured” or “over it.” It means you occasionally get “sick.” Sometimes because of a trigger, but for me it just comes and goes like rolling waves on an ocean.

Yes, I take sick days for depression. Just because it’s a mental disorder and not a cold, doesn’t mean it’s not a sickness, so to speak. I don’t take them often, just when it’s so bad I can’t even force myself out of bed, which is rare. Usually I can still go through the motions of life – my heart just isn’t into it.

My volunteer work helps. Feeling like I’m making a difference and getting the social need filled that even introverts have helps.

I’m in a slump. Adi, that’s the real reason I took so long to respond. I’m in a slump. I can crawl out of it myself – I’ve done it dozens of times, but sometimes it takes longer than others.

I forgot the original point of this post: to educate.

My SO’s sister said something today – that a friend was taking a short leave from work due to depression, but the way she said it sounded like she didn’t think that was a valid reason to take off work, even though it sounded like the depression was due to something that happened. Break a leg? Sure, take a few weeks off. Have something that traumatizes you emotionally happen? Take a day or two, but be back soon. Sometimes mental injuries take longer to heal than physical ones.

But my point is a little different. My point is about people with chronic depression, like myself. No, it doesn’t rule my everyday life like a physical disorder, but when it flares up, so to speak, I can lose days, even weeks. My mind just doesn’t work right. It’s harder to focus which makes it harder to remember things. This doesn’t affect my work too much, but it did affect my studying abilities during school when it would flare up.

For the past several days, maybe a week now, I’ve been in kind of a daze. This isn’t helped by me spending every spare moment to read the Maze Runner series (which is fantastic, btw) to help put myself in a different world.

I can’t say my work is totally unaffected. I can’t say I don’t understand why people would be hesitant to hire someone with depression, because I do. I do believe that the quality of my work is the same, but I’m a lot slower to do things. And I’m a lot less likely to coordinate with people because when I get like this, I just withdraw into myself and avoid communication as much as possible. But I’ll pull myself out of it. I’ll keep going. Yes, I took a half day today, but as long as I have sick leave, who cares if I take it for physical or mental illness?

So many people think that depression is something that you can just “get over,” but it’s not. It hits and it stays. It’s like that antidepressant commercial where the woman had a little black figure that represented depression sitting on her shoulder and it just kept growing and growing even though nothing bad was going on in her life. I’ve had people tell me that my life is great and I have no reason to be depressed. Well, that’s the thing about chronic depression – it’s an illness that isn’t really controlled by outside factors. Yes, outside factors affect it. For example, I think once I move and am no longer living with two people I dislike, and find a more satisfying job, I’ll get depressed less often, but the depression will still it.

It’s kind of like living with migraines. You learn to recognize the signs and do what you can to prevent the worst of it. Sometimes I’ll tell my SO when I feel it coming on. I didn’t this time. Not even sure he’s aware that I’ve been so out of it, feeling like I’m barely hanging on to the lighter side of the depression. Sometimes I’ll force myself to socialize with friends before it gets too bad, and that helps to lighten it and prevent me from going too far into the depression. Sometimes I’ll get myself to go to Sonic and get a delicious ice cream treat to help cheer myself up.

I don’t believe in taking pills for it – mostly because I’ve tried a few different kinds and didn’t like the results. I never felt quite like myself on those pills. And one of them gave me horrific nightmares. I think it’s something that just has to be taken one day at a time – like addiction. I’ve even tried using the 12 Step program that they use in Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. It probably would have helped more if I had put more effort into it, heh.

I hope that this post has given you more insight to those who suffer with chronic depression, or helped you feel not so alone if you do suffer with chronic depression. As always, I would love to hear [read] any advice, thoughts, observations, ideas, personal stories, etc, that you’d like to share. Do you think it should be okay to take a sick day for depression? Do you suffer or know anyone that suffers from chronic depression? If you do, does this sound similar to what you go through? What tricks have worked for you when depression flares up?

Edit: Watching PewDiePie dance and sing “let it go” in an Elsa costume helps tremendously!

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5 thoughts on “What Living with Chronic Depression is Like (at least for me)

  1. I suffer from depression too and I don’t want to take pills for it either because I like the way my brain operates without medicine. Screw all the people who refuse to understand what they don’t feel, which is the feeling that I can’t get off my bed somedays. In my personal experience my depression more stemmed from external stressors and I was able to cope with them over time, leading to significantly fewer bouts of depression.

    While you’re in a slump, I hit one too. If it cheers you up, you’re strong for acknowledging your weaknesses; that is the only way you can accept your limitations, grow, and move on. You’re still such a thoughtful and productive person from what I know of you so far! Power to you for sending out all those applications and if life is getting you down I’m always willing to try my best to summon some words of inspiration. I know that feeling too well.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I know right? But as you said similar enough to keep conversation interesting. I took a good amount of time to answer your e-mail as well because I was too busy being depressed 😛

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope the sun will shine bright in your corner soon.
    In my time of depression, the only way I “get over” the hump is by taking it all day by day.
    I’m on a sick leave from work. This year I’ve only been at work for a total of 10 days.
    My advice is to find something that gives you joy, something that feels up your cup.
    Wish you all the best on your journey!

    Liked by 1 person

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